covet

Happy Fall!

It's autumn! Rainy, leaf crunching, pumpkin picking, apple cider-ing, Halloween-y autumn. How I've missed her (and the cold weather to come making hot, humid days at the lakefront a little more bearable). Classes are going well -- I got A's on my last two quizzes and I'm looking forward to working on my English project Thursday with my group.

This morning sucked, however. I woke up late and busted my butt to get down to Milwaukee. I nearly missed the shuttle to school and I still ended up to my (one) class five minutes late! The worst part was after all that work, class was canceled anyway. My teacher made a brief summary of what we should do for homework and Thursday and then I left. What a waste! At least my drive is pretty.

That's alright though, I got to come home an hour early and watch Nancy Drew (which was surprisingly not horrible). The fashions were really cute and I loved Emma Roberts (she makes a great little perfectionist). But I must say that her hairstyle and age was a little off.

Mrs. Sparks will let me know about the after school writing center I volunteered for -- I'm tired already from it, but it will look good on my resume, especially for graduate school. My first semester and already I'm thinking about the next three years. Life is tiring.

Where I'm From

I'm from TV and a close knit family;
A big city;
A cold month.
I'm from my mother and my father;
My older brother;
A bird, two dogs, and four cats.
I'm from suburbia;
The midwest;
The United States -- fallen from grace.
I'm from the middle class;
The working stiffs;
The almost-college educated.
I'm from our society of;
Democrats, Lutherans;
Conformists.
And I am the by-product of where I'm from.

The worst part is over

Daunted by the prospect of college, I called a new therapist into action. I try to remain calm and happy, but seemingly everything causes stress and anxiety. I'm in constant pain from imaginary fears and dread. I hate going to work and I feel paranoid all the time that some ambiguous "bad" will happen. I stay up all night (which I know does not help) because I'm afraid for the day to end. I try listening to my favorite music, watch my favorite movies and TV shows, and I try to stay active even though all I want to do is stay home and cry. I miss my mom, but neither of us are going anywhere. I dread sleeping alone. I'm empty, alone, panicked, and depressed. Even worse, I know how irrational my feelings are, but they still don't seem to change. I just want this new adjustment period to end. I want my emotions under control, and I want my anxiety to disappear. I want to sleep all day and never wake up.

This summer isn't hot enough! I'm in so much anticipation for college -- and since I'm not into parties, all of my excitement goes straight to my courses. Although I dread every day how I will ever make a decision on my future. Med school? Law school? Social work? Education? Nursing? Way too many options.

I can't believe how far I've come. It seems as though only last week I dreamed of becoming one of those shiny, perfect hipsters I've read about on LiveJournal. Now I'm one of them. Truthfully though, I'm 18 and it feels so peculiar to be standing on the threshold of college; moreover adulthood, and now -- during a warm midsummer night -- I realize how thankful I am for all the people, ideas, and media that shaped me into the person I am today.

I'm excited for college! After browsing the catalog of available classes, I look forward to an exciting new year of learning. (Especially since AP scores are in and I did surprisingly well)

Today, like yesterday

Today was magnificent! I slept in the basement because our A/C is broken and it was 93 and humid all night and day. Luckily I made plans with Ben so I didn't need to sit around the house all day and bake. As usual we drove down to Milwaukee and shopped at Urban Outfitters, Yellow Jacket, Dragonfly, and Anthropologie. Our original plans consisted of Alterra on the lake and sitting out on the beach, but it was late and we were hot so we adjourned to my house to swim in my pool.

I bought two raffia hats; one sun hat and one fedora. We had an AMAZING lunch at Beans and Barley and I annoyed Benny about falling in love with his awkward brother. I love summer.

I'm also in love with Bon Iver. I wish I went to Eau Claire just because that's where Justin Vernon is from.

Working at the library has inspired me with so many great books! I'm looking forward to reading the Sylvia Plath journals and her poetry books.

The early days of summer

Summer doesn't feel real yet. I keep waiting for school to end only to realize it has and for the last two weeks I've done nothing. Absolutely nothing.

This summer differs from the past. My usual rituals seem dead with the wilting lilacs. I haven't sipped lemonade from mason jars at dusk, soaked up sun while sprawled across the drying grass, or sweated liters while biking around town.

I wait for familiarity. So far, June means starting new things: the library, UWM, and graduation. I'm tired of navigating this new territory. I want my routine back, or at least a new one to implement itself.

I'm really looking forward to my graduation present from my parents. For once I don't know what it is.

Happy graduation!

Time awkwardly suspends itself. For the past weeks I've been trying to make sense of graduation. The finality of it all. The inability to return to the comfort of the past 13 years. Everything became familiar, and that familiarity comforted me. Thankfully I grew up with the characters (both fictional and non) that helped me cope with the reality of growing up. I'm grateful for the books, movies, and people I incorporated into my world. And tonight, the last true day of high school, at 12:25 am, I realize that I'll graduate, go to college, and grow up. But my life will move at the same pace. I'm the same person living the same way with just extra days added on. I'll change, but everything around me will change at the same time. It's a foreign feeling, but I just keep reminding myself that freshman year is academically a continuation of high school and socially better.

Off my back

Since 2007, I've stopped letting things get to me. Things referring to proverbial teenage drama. I truly am only in control of myself, so when friends disappoint me or my plans just don't work out, I control my reaction to the problem. It is with this control that the situation miraculously heals. I'm comforted by the fact that I'm in charge of myself -- and by the fact that people will always let me down. (I put too much faith in others). I don't cry as much anymore, I just go home. I spend time with my life. And I love it.

Kite flying and that sort of thing

Things have been good lately, but when aren't they? I'm grateful for the extra seratonin floating around my brain.

Currently I'm in hot pursuit of a jewelry tree, vintage tea cups, and a vanity tray. Wish me luck. Hopefully, June will come soon so I can go treasure hunting around flea markets and rummage sales; thrift stores have been bumming me lately.

I'm trying really hard to exist, but as a human I'm bound to fail.

I have found greatness in my life in the form of Bluegrass covers of the Shins! It's amazing. So my choices are as follows: Loyola versus UWM in a final head to head showdown. But I'm 98% UWM will win since it's 1/3 the cost.

Because maybe

I got into Loyola! How proud should I be?

Not the patella

"It's been undeniably dear to me, I don't know why;
When every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters;
I knew the worthless dregs we are,
The selfless, loving saints we are,
The melting, sliding dice we've always been."

"I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find."

"Before we take this ride and let it slide;
Into the cracks where fall and winter collide.
I surrender all my gall in a song of modern love.
Remember you're the one who summoned me above any other kind."

"I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love."

"The years have been short but the days were long."

"Even if to save our own lives, so says I, we are a brutal kind;
Because this was nothing like we've ever dreamt;
Tell Sir Thomas More we've got another failed attempt;
Because if it makes them money they might just give you life this time."

"I want to walk through the empty streets;
With something constant under my feet."

"I want you on my side to take the hard shots with me."

"Stay your ground, don’t be discouraged;
Don’t let 'em turn our brains into porridge."

Any Given Sunday

I woke up slowly realizing my bedroom held no light. With a white shade drawn, only my eyes adjusted only to shadows. I contemplated tragedy.

In a hurry for Anthony's arrival, I swept through the house on a cleaning rampage, praying he'd remember to call.

After two hours of laughing, talking, and sharing music, he left. In his place laid a poorly constructed cardboard spine and a drying paper mache skull.

Forty Spanish flashcards, a study session on the rights of the accused, a completed civil rights study guide, and an orange soda later I felt incomplete.

And that's where I sit now.

I hope I get into Loyola. I hope I get a MacBook for graduation. I hope I become someone great. I hope I'm destined for great things. I hope I can find a sweet Shins poster for my dorm/bedroom.

Listography

• Yellow raincoats, umbrellas, wellies
• Green ginger tea
• Ibuprofen induced post-headache naps
• New semesters
• Acceptance letters
  
• Grocery shopping
• Long hair
• Mermaids
• Valentine's Day
• Teenage movies: Marie Antoinette, Because I Said So, Juno
• Brownies
• Vegan cookies
• Redecorating
  

Great Endings Like Early Beginnings

My tea is sour and cold
And oh, what the hell?
iTunes froze.

Three teaspoons and that medicine still can't get down
He's so sexy when he smiles.

I can handle the truth;
When it dresses in disguises.
When it resides in Biblical passages;
When strewn over human lips.

I can handle the truth;
When it tries to hide from me.
I find it in poems, in paintings;
Cowering in words, imitating lies.

I can handle the truth;
When it drowns in tears.
When it fills the air, the sky;
When it's in the ground, in the water.

Yes, I handle the truth;
In the deepest elements of Earth.
In the cavernous life of man;
In the blatancy of nature.

Can the truth handle me?
When I chase it down;
Searching for it, coveting it.
When it tries to be gentle;
Cradling me, letting me down easy.

When it feels the warm salt of tears;
When it watches the cringe of pain.
When it kills, back stabs, leads me on.
When it knows how I feel and knows that he caused it.

I can handle the truth, but the truth can't handle me.

East Side

Basically I forgot my camera, but we filled our day with icy sidewalks, over priced merch, and lovely memories of Milwaukee. Tomorrow, Milk.