The worst part is over

Daunted by the prospect of college, I called a new therapist into action. I try to remain calm and happy, but seemingly everything causes stress and anxiety. I'm in constant pain from imaginary fears and dread. I hate going to work and I feel paranoid all the time that some ambiguous "bad" will happen. I stay up all night (which I know does not help) because I'm afraid for the day to end. I try listening to my favorite music, watch my favorite movies and TV shows, and I try to stay active even though all I want to do is stay home and cry. I miss my mom, but neither of us are going anywhere. I dread sleeping alone. I'm empty, alone, panicked, and depressed. Even worse, I know how irrational my feelings are, but they still don't seem to change. I just want this new adjustment period to end. I want my emotions under control, and I want my anxiety to disappear. I want to sleep all day and never wake up.

This summer isn't hot enough! I'm in so much anticipation for college -- and since I'm not into parties, all of my excitement goes straight to my courses. Although I dread every day how I will ever make a decision on my future. Med school? Law school? Social work? Education? Nursing? Way too many options.

I can't believe how far I've come. It seems as though only last week I dreamed of becoming one of those shiny, perfect hipsters I've read about on LiveJournal. Now I'm one of them. Truthfully though, I'm 18 and it feels so peculiar to be standing on the threshold of college; moreover adulthood, and now -- during a warm midsummer night -- I realize how thankful I am for all the people, ideas, and media that shaped me into the person I am today.

I'm excited for college! After browsing the catalog of available classes, I look forward to an exciting new year of learning. (Especially since AP scores are in and I did surprisingly well)

Today, like yesterday

Today was magnificent! I slept in the basement because our A/C is broken and it was 93 and humid all night and day. Luckily I made plans with Ben so I didn't need to sit around the house all day and bake. As usual we drove down to Milwaukee and shopped at Urban Outfitters, Yellow Jacket, Dragonfly, and Anthropologie. Our original plans consisted of Alterra on the lake and sitting out on the beach, but it was late and we were hot so we adjourned to my house to swim in my pool.

I bought two raffia hats; one sun hat and one fedora. We had an AMAZING lunch at Beans and Barley and I annoyed Benny about falling in love with his awkward brother. I love summer.

I'm also in love with Bon Iver. I wish I went to Eau Claire just because that's where Justin Vernon is from.

Working at the library has inspired me with so many great books! I'm looking forward to reading the Sylvia Plath journals and her poetry books.

The early days of summer

Summer doesn't feel real yet. I keep waiting for school to end only to realize it has and for the last two weeks I've done nothing. Absolutely nothing.

This summer differs from the past. My usual rituals seem dead with the wilting lilacs. I haven't sipped lemonade from mason jars at dusk, soaked up sun while sprawled across the drying grass, or sweated liters while biking around town.

I wait for familiarity. So far, June means starting new things: the library, UWM, and graduation. I'm tired of navigating this new territory. I want my routine back, or at least a new one to implement itself.

I'm really looking forward to my graduation present from my parents. For once I don't know what it is.

Happy graduation!

Time awkwardly suspends itself. For the past weeks I've been trying to make sense of graduation. The finality of it all. The inability to return to the comfort of the past 13 years. Everything became familiar, and that familiarity comforted me. Thankfully I grew up with the characters (both fictional and non) that helped me cope with the reality of growing up. I'm grateful for the books, movies, and people I incorporated into my world. And tonight, the last true day of high school, at 12:25 am, I realize that I'll graduate, go to college, and grow up. But my life will move at the same pace. I'm the same person living the same way with just extra days added on. I'll change, but everything around me will change at the same time. It's a foreign feeling, but I just keep reminding myself that freshman year is academically a continuation of high school and socially better.

Off my back

Since 2007, I've stopped letting things get to me. Things referring to proverbial teenage drama. I truly am only in control of myself, so when friends disappoint me or my plans just don't work out, I control my reaction to the problem. It is with this control that the situation miraculously heals. I'm comforted by the fact that I'm in charge of myself -- and by the fact that people will always let me down. (I put too much faith in others). I don't cry as much anymore, I just go home. I spend time with my life. And I love it.